Unedited

No makeup, no tan and no filter. The only thing “edited” about this photo is the Botox in my forehead and the filler in my lips.

I came across this shirt shopping one day after being at the hairdresser, and it really made my mind wonder.

How rare is it to find someone who hasn’t been “edited”. How rare is it to see someone upload a photo on social media that hasn’t had a filter added to it or that hasn’t been edited. Curiosity got the better of me, I wondered how many of my instagram photos didn’t have filters applied to them, the answer, 5 out of 159 and I featured in 2 of them. This really shook me, I felt a pain inside of me, my anxiety begun to appear. I knew I had insecurities but I didn’t realise just how bad they were.

I am constantly worried about what others think of me, I am constantly “editing” myself to fit in with society and the latest trends. I am someone who will rarely leave the house without make up on, I am someone who applies fake tan the same time every week on the off chance I go out that weekend. I constantly buy new clothes and outfits because god forbid I get caught “outfit repeating”.

I have had people in the past ask me why I do these things and people tell me I don’t need to, but my response has always remained the same. “It gives me more confidence”. Yes I admit that I feel most confident when I am tanned and have a full face of make up on (I mean how fucking stupid is that) but where does that confidence stem from? From the illusion society has created that this is acceptable or on trend? Is the confidence I’m feeling really because I’m confident within myself or is it just because society has lead me to believe people like me better for looking a certain way.

It is exhausting trying to keep up with a society that is constantly evolving and it’s trends are constantly changing. It’s exhausting always trying to please people, always trying to “fit in” and be accepted. We put in so much time and effort into our social media’s, uploading “edited” versions of our reality. But why? Why are we so consumed by social media and how many followers or likes we get on a post? For fuck sake we even edit photos of our food before uploading it on our socials, how crazy and ridiculous is that?

You may not like to admit it, but we “edit” ourselves to attract the attention of a certain crowd of people, or to attract the attention of a person we may be crushing on. For some reason we think their attention is worth having, but is it really? Why do we want their attention if they can’t give it to us when we are our “unedited” selves?

When I talk about “editing” I’m not just talking about our appearance. There are times where we even edit our personalities to reel people in, or to fit into a certain crowd. It’s just the way it goes sometimes. We lose ourselves and get caught up in societies expectations and we sometimes turn into people we’re not.

Society and social media for some reason has control over how we feel about ourselves. It seems to influence what we wear to what we eat and how our bodies should look. Society makes us feel we NEED to do these things in order to gain acceptance in the world, when in reality all it is doing is causing demons inside of us. The pressure society puts on us to be, act or look a certain way is causing anxiety and depression within people, and it’s making them question themselves.  Now when I say “them” I really am referring to me. I know that this is how society makes me feel. My anxiety stems from the fear of rejection and the fear of not being accepted for my true self.

It’s all just an experience in the end. Eventually, you get tired of it all, which I can say that’s where I’m at. I’m tired of constanlty trying to please people and gain acceptance of those who can’t be bothered to get to know the “unedited” version of me. I am disappointed in myself for allowing society to worsen and manipulate my insecurities, and it upsets me that I let it turn me into a version of myself I don’t particularly like.

Recent life events has seen me hit a real low point in my life, this is a story for another time, but what I’m getting at is my closet friends saw me at my worst, and only a few of those people stood beside me, and helped try to pick me back up. Others gave up on me and walked away. People came into my life who saw the “unedited” version of myself and didn’t walk away. These people are who matter. These people are where I should be getting my confidence from. These people are the ones who inspire me, who strengthen me and encourage me.

Moving forward I am going to work on myself, I’m going to work on finding confidence with who I am, not what I look like. Moving forward I am going to work on uncluttering my life and regaining balance.

Moving forward I am going to work on being less “edited” and work on showing the world who I am behind the mask.

I’m not saying I’m going to give up the tanning or makeup completely, but I am going to work on becoming more confident with my unedited self.

Peace and love homies

Xx