We all have people in our lives that when we are around them our smiles are at their biggest and our hearts are at their fullest. When being around them we are at our happiest and we feel the most confident in ourselves. We all have hobbies or things that we do in life that give us the same fulfilment, that make our hearts full — but what happens when those people are no longer around, or you stop doing the things that make you happy?
For me it led to a path of negativity, anxiety and depression. It caused me to lose sight of who I was and it turned me into a person I had always fought so hard not to be.
The pressure to adapt to living in a new place, to get a new job and the pressure to make new friends became too much. It led me to work a job that did nothing but drain me and surround me with people that were full of negativity and drama. Being alone while my partner was at sea, I let this kind of behaviour consume me and lead me down the wrong path. I got so caught up in other people and their lives, that I too became a negative person. It was so exhausting I lost the energy to exercise, I lost interest in going out of the house and exploring; I gave up AFL and started emotionally eating. I lost myself completely.
I have always been someone who believes that you shouldn’t rely on others to make you happy and that you should be the creator of your own happiness. Yet, when I look back over the past year, I realise that since moving away from my family and friends, my happiness has faded slightly. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy and grateful that I get to live with my partner and we get to have a life together, but I am not as happy as I was when we were living back home. Neither of us are. I realise now that this was inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be indefinite.
I let the loneliness win and relied heavily on my partner when he got back from sea, to make me happy, which after the shit he deals with whilst away, was completely unfair to him. – baby I am so sorry!
I put so much pressure on myself to make a life for myself up here, so that he didn’t have to worry when he was away, that I didn’t even get to enjoy the process of moving to a new state. I thought that if I didn’t get a job or make friends immediately that I had failed — how bloody crazy is that?
I realise now that these things take time, and that it is okay if things don’t come together immediately. I jumped into a job and made friends out of fear of failing, which clouded my judgment. A lesson well learnt!
Which is why I quit my job and I am starting over. I am going to embrace my surroundings and enjoy the time we have like I should have done from the beginning.
2019 for me will be about finding happiness within myself and not in other people. Although I am away from the people closest to me, I am going to focus on being happy no matter my surroundings.
It’s time to start creating my own happiness and to start doing the things I used to do back home.
Sarah Unedited. 